Musings and delusions from a princess

2011-07-23T23:18:00.000-07:00

My head feels like it's under water. Not knowing which way is up or down. Where do I go from here. Always bugging God wondering what's going to happen. It's all for the best. God works for the good of those who He has called according to His purpose. Am I called? I think so. Am I drunk? Maybe. Am I confused? Definitely. I want to know. God tell me, where do I go from here. It's a secret. It's a plan. Trust me. HOW? How, when I can't know? I read the last page first in every book I've ever read. I want to read my last page. I want to know I'm going to be okay. You'll be okay; God's looking out for you. HOW? Eternal life. Salvation. Propitiation. Atonement. I know these things. BUT. Will I have a job? Will I have friends? Will I be okay?

WILL I BE OKAY???

Where do I go from here?

Faith.

Romans 12:18

2011-07-17T21:36:00.000-07:00

Romans 12:18 says "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

When I look back on the times this verse has changed my life for the better, I'm overwhelmed. I remember the first time I looked at this verse specifically. Sarah, my always wise mentor, revealed it to me when I was asking her for advice about what to do about a friend with whom I'd had a falling out.

I've had a lot of falling outs in my lifetime. I'm sure others must have, too, but I feel like I have too many. I pretty much started out life by falling out with my dad, and I've harbored a lot of anger since then. Since childhood I felt anger before I could even know the word. Anger at being abandoned, forgotten. Then my mother made an unfortunate choice for my stepfather, and I had more anger. Anger that she didn't choose me. Anger that he didn't see me as his daughter but rather as one to be tolerated in his house. Anger that he didn't financially support but drained my mom. Feeling anger at such a young age, I've grown accustomed to it to the point that anger seems natural. It's like a malignant tumor spreading through my body without my even realizing it until it's too late, and I've lost a friend.

The abandonment issue is the thing that most readily makes me angry. It's really sadness that manifests as anger because anger is easier for me to control. When I feel abandoned, I close off. I want to forget that person mattered to me because I want to forget I was abandoned by them.

I honestly believe that you're better off without some people, and just because you remove them from your life doesn't mean you aren't at peace with them. The first time I was really burdened by a falling out was in college. I had been friends with her for over a decade, and I let my anger and sadness go too far. I was burdened for two years, missing her but feeling too abandoned to recognize my wrongness. Finally, in light of this verse and thanks to Sarah's godly guidance I contacted my friend and now she is once again one of the dearest people to me. Even if only for this reason, I thank God for this verse.

This verse also helped reconcile me with my dad (with whom I hadn't spoken for four years), it taught me how to get peace with a former best friend because even though reconciliation wasn't possible from his perspective, I had done what I could do, and now it will help me with a friend I lost a few months ago.

It doesn't quite seem that I've been in Chicago long enough to have made and lost friends, but there is one whose friendship has slipped through my fingers. He was a dear friend, but he has some characteristics and behavior patterns I find it difficult to respect, and he drug my best friend into them. My irritation escaladed out of control, and we didn't speak for months until Wes and I saw him at the grocery store last night. I texted him last night saying we should talk, and he said he'd like that. My goal is to have peace with him because Paul's right. Sometimes we can't be at peace because we can't control the actions of others, but so far as ourselves are concerned, peace with everyone would truly be a Utopia, and I know from experience that it's hard and scary to put yourself out there, but God sees His will done, and he looks out for those who try to please Him.

Boxes

2011-07-10T19:24:00.000-07:00

It's been a great couple of weeks. Being in Carbondale wasn't that great, but seeing Wes was awesome, and driving back up together gave us some much needed catching up time. It's just that being around so many theatre people all fighting each other for attention, it's annoying. But he was ready to leave and I was so ready to have him back. He's been sleeping on my couch this whole time, and it's been fun.

I also have two new temporary roommates. It's really interesting to see how having roommates I like changes my outlook on life. They are both so cool. One's a dancer and the other is a doctor, so they're both really interesting, too.

All of my friends got together for the Fourth, and we had such a great time. I have such great friends here. It really is amazing.

So I find myself again packing up my life to move to my new studio apartment. I'm just glad I'm only going a couple of blocks this time. It does have me thinking about how much my life has changed since the last time I did this. When I left Bowling Green, I was scared. But looking back, there was nothing to be scared of. I've pretty much conquered Chicago, and I have all of these great people in my life.

These people love me, not only at my best but at my worst. If I had known these people were waiting for me when I left Bowling Green, my last night there would have probably produced a lot less tears. I'm proud of myself for being brave, for going against the wishes of my family and the trends of my hometown. I'm living the life I've chosen, and I love it.

Summer

2011-06-20T21:34:00.000-07:00

What a perfect ending to a crazy school year. With Wes being gone, I've had to be more resourceful when it comes to friends which really worked in my favor. I've realized I do have more than one friend and they are all pretty awesome. I'm really happy with my first school year in Chicago. I've gotten all A's so far, I'm stoked with my work and what I've learned and accomplished, and made some good school friends.

I mentioned I spent the weekend in Libby's lake house. Libby drove us there, and Missy joined us for Friday night. Two of Libby's brothers came too, and for Friday and Saturday, her boyfriend Alex. It was so relaxing. We laid on the beach, I got sunburned, we shopped, drank, and played games.

This weekend I'm going to Carbondale to see Wes's show and drive back up with him. I can't wait to see him again! I'm just so excited that it's summer and I can read and write and do whatever I want to. I feel so free, and the possibilities of this city are endless.

Lake House

2011-06-18T08:39:00.000-07:00

This weekend I'm staying with Libby in her family's lake house on Lake Michigan. It's so beautiful. I feel like every worry or concern I had in Chicago just melted away when we got here. The house is huge and impressive. In Libby's words "excessive." Enough bedrooms for everyone to get their own and bathrooms and walk-in closets in them. I feel like a princess staying in this room. This morning I'm up before everyone else (or they were all up super early and have all gone somewhere....). I'm laying in bed with the door to the balcony open listening to the waves. This world is perfect.

To The World

2011-05-21T22:24:00.000-07:00

Well, hi there, world. I've known you for almost 25 years now, and I've still yet to understand anything you say. True, I spend most of my time ignoring you in favor of my own fantasy world, but that's not my fault. It's just that mine's better. Sorry to say.

In my fantasy world, I don't walk past the doorway to a store shut down for the night and see a homeless person sleeping there.

But let's be real, most of my fantasy world is about me. In my fantasy world, my emotions don't get the best of me. I'm not controlling or possessive even as I see how ridiculous I am. I am not needy. I am self-sufficient and independent. In my fantasy world, everyone loves me (except those I don't care about). In my fantasy world, I'm a writer, an actress, a singer, Mrs. Robert Pattinson, a tribute in the Hunger Games, a princess, immortal, Mrs. Jimmy Fallon, whatever I want.

But you, world, when you come upon me, it's like I'm standing in the shower, vulnerable, under ice cold water. My skin prickles up into bumps, my teeth chatter, I convulse uncontrollably as I realize just how harsh a realization it is that my fantasies will never be completely reconciled to you, to the rules of your system. The system of the world's natural order and the systems our societal ancestors have set up before us to hold us back, the ones we'll spend our whole life's working against, the ones that will kill us in the end.

And as we lie there, writhing from the pain of a life spent in a box someone else made for us, we'll wonder why we did it. And try our damnedest to convince ourselves it was worth it.

The Ends of The World

2011-04-06T20:37:00.000-07:00

What an amazing couple of days I've had. Just the kind of amazing in which it is revealed to you just how amazing your regular life is. Sometimes I can't believe that this life is my regular life. I think about my life 10 years ago: a freshman at Hazard High School wondering if I'd ever make it out of those mountains alive before they suffocated me. Wondering if I'd ever find a place where I'd fit in, where people understand me without even trying, where ambition isn't a four letter word.

Well, I've found it. As it turns out, I'm not that different after all.

Last night was Tuesday. Some of you may know that Tuesdays have turned into a kind of friend night in which Wes and I hang out after school/rehearsal. Last night we met up with John Mark and walked to the lake. We live quite close to the lake, and it was warmer than it has been. When we got there, the lights of the Chicago skyline stared back at us and beyond that to to the left, black water. Wes made the comment that it looked like we had just walked to the end of the world. What if the end of the world were 4 blocks from your apartment? Sometimes it feels that way doesn't it. Like your life is the world. But it's not. Not even close. Looking at the city, it becomes clear that there are so many people going about their business totally unaware of my existence. I'll never meet them, but they're a part of me because we walk the same streets. We see the same homeless guy; we both gave him a dollar. I bought a sandwich she made before she left work. I'm a part of them. We ride the same train.

It was so beautiful. I never get tired of it, the beauty of the city. We were far enough from downtown to see the entire skyline and even a few stars. I am truly blessed that God led me here. We sat facing it and talked for an hour or so. Then we walked home. I walked home barefoot.

Just happiness.

L'avenir

2011-04-03T19:57:00.000-07:00

I do a lot of worrying about the future. Worrying may be too strong a word, but I think about it, muse about it often. The fact is, I'll probably never be the kind of person who is settled, who has a good idea of where they'll be in a couple of years, who they'll be with or what they'll be doing. This makes that kind of worrying inevitable. That's okay to me because I don't want to be that person, and the worrying is a price worth paying.

I find myself, when I have nights at home, thinking about the changes inevitable in my life and dreading them. However, this is what keeps life exciting. The never knowing, the never even thinking you know.

But the great thing about all this worry is that I know the reason I worry is because my life is pretty great now. Actually, pretty fantastic, almost without flaw. Even though I have some concerns about where my life is taking me, I know there are years of exciting adventures ahead of me. I'm enjoying these days and looking forward to those to come.

Hope

2011-03-23T20:39:00.001-07:00

Okay. I'm gonna be honest with y'all for a minute. It's been a rough couple of days. We all have them. The days where you just get into a funk you can't get out of. You forget everything awesome about your life and focus on the one thing that's not perfect. You close off, reject God's blessings, God's will.

That's over for now thanks to the amazing blessing I just received in the form of my small group.

I had been undecided about how I fit into this group. Sometimes I loved it; other times I wasn't so sure. Tonight was just amazing. I made a decision to not think about the time or what I was going to do after. I was present. I stayed after to socialize. I think I'm on my way to a Godly relationship with these people. Praise Him for that. He knows I need it.

I opened up. The topic this week was suffering and how Satan uses that to take us away from God. See, God can give us clarity and wisdom in tough situations, but if we push Him away, we are left with Satan, who purposefully blinds us to bring us to his side. I told them about when Josh died. My anger and sadness. I became totally vulnerable with them for the first time. I was scared, but it was so rewarding. I feel so close to them right now. This is one of the most amazing things God has done for me.

I've been feeling a bit alone. I have some great friends here in Chicago. Close friends that I feared before moving here that I'd never have again. I have nothing to complain about in that area. But now I have a Bible Study. One with whom I'm vulnerable and get support in return.

One of the questions was how does God give us clarity. I told them about Sarah and how she's always honest with me and how God uses her to help me see the truth. I told a story about my pride and tendency for the dramatic emotions, and they laughed like the girls in my CRU Bible Study used to. I'm glad my storytelling skills are not lost on yankees :)

I am just so thankful right now. I feel blessed even though I don't deserve it. I've been accusing God of abandoning me. What was I thinking? He led me here, and he led me to these people. Most of them have been here less than a year. We all need each other. For those of you who I confide in, thanks for your prayers. Things are looking so good.

Bowling Green

2011-03-20T19:53:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I just don't know what's the matter with me. My life is good. I have so much to be thankful for. But that hasn't stopped me from being a total wreck lately. It's not that I'm miserable all the time. It's just that the slightest thing can make me totally sad. I'm so emotional, even more so than usual, and I'm having a difficult time hiding it.

I feel like I left myself in Bowling Green. You know, like my real self, and my Chicago self is just a shadow of the me I used to be, the me I used to like.

In Bowling Green, I was confident, secure, self-assured. A night in alone didn't mean I was friendless; it meant I was having some much-needed Savannah-time. But now, I feel like so loserish because I'm home at 10pm on a Sunday and I don't have to work tomorrow.

In Bowling Green, I was good. I prayed. I read the Bible. I had a ton a Christian friends who held me accountable. Here I feel so alone in my walk. Here I pray and read the Bible but not nearly as much as I did. I go to church more, though. I do have some church friends, too, but not ones that I see outside of church/Bible study. It's just, cultivating relationships with people is hard.

I could try to look back and understand when the chaos of emotions started. When exactly I started acting like a constantly pre-menstrual basket case. But I think I know the answer. My life here isn't God-centered. It's Savannah-centered, or more accurately, fun-centered. I'm always looking for a good time, never really thinking about anything else.

Whatever. There's a sociologist, Georg Simmel. He wrote about the effects of cities on the psyche. He said that in small towns, there are fewer people, so they are emotionally closer. There are fewer boundaries that one must cross to become close with others. In the city, however, emotional relationships don't exist. One is thought of mostly as a consumer. We are bombarded everyday with adds and stores and sales. They don't want your name. They want you to buy stuff. Because of that, we feel dehumanized, subconsciously, of course, because nothing really happens consciously anymore. In cities we live so close together, we are forced to set up boundaries because we can't let everyone in. We live in small spaces; we are consumers; we are anonymous most of the time, most of our lives spent with our heads down, never knowing those people passing us, knowing we'll never meet any of these people. So we close off.

Maybe it's the abrupt change from small town to big city relationships that has me thrown off. I used to dream of the day I'd be anonymous. I remember complaining about that everyday in high school. Now I'm not so sure I like it.

I know what I have to do. I have to channel the Bowling Green Savannah and bring her here with me. She's independent, confident, beautiful, hilarious, some people love her, some don't care for her, but that's okay, she knows what she wants and how to get it, she is motivated, in control. I worked to make myself this, and I lost a lot of it in the move. But I know she's still boxed away somewhere in storage, and I'm going to find her. I loved her.

Proof

2011-03-05T11:55:00.000-08:00

Last night was kind of weird. A mixture of pms, whiskey, and talking about my family a few hours before had me in a mood of the worst kind. The cold and rain didn't hurt either. I had plans to take pictures with Wes and John Mark and assumed we'd hang out after, which we did. I didn't feel like talking; I didn't feel like dancing or laughing or having fun. I was feeling so sensitive. Looking back on it, obnoxiously so, although at the time, I blamed it on them. I eventually got my mind off of it for a while and had a good time.

This morning I woke up ready to withdraw. I thought maybe I was spending too much time with the same people. My nights are getting redundant. Same places, same whiskey, every night. I had decided to take a break from it all.

I had an appointment to set up a membership at a local gym, so I went there at noon today. After a while of touring the gym and setting things up, I had the following conversation:

Guy: I feel like I need to say something to you.

Me: What?

Guy: Are you a Christian?

Me: Yeah...

Guy: I just feel like God is telling me to talk to you.

Me: *Wide-eyed look*

Guy: It's just, when I was talking to you on the phone and now here today I got a feeling about you. Are you a creative person?

Me: Well, yeah, kinda, I'm a writer.

Guy: I figured that.

He goes on to tell me that he thinks I'm sensitive and wise. That sometimes I get upset easily because I experience emotions strongly. That's what makes me creative. He says I help people with their problems because I'm a good listener and sensitive to feelings, that I understand feelings. That I can help because God speaks through me because I open myself up to the Holy Spirit. He says he's the pastor of a small church.

Typing it out, it sounds cheap. It sounds like some kind of lame psychic reading, and I'm doing a bad job relating it.

Anyway, he talked about how people withdraw from others because of things that have happened in the past or with our families or something, but it's important not to because relationships are the most important thing about Christianity.

I can't remember all the things he said, but they all hit me so hard that I almost cried there in his office. I told him I thought the Holy Spirit must be speaking through him because I desperately needed to hear those things at that very moment. He asked if we could pray together in his office. I said yes, of course, so he closed the door, and he prayed for a while. He said amazing things. He said he felt like I was fully the Lord's, that I could help people, that I had so much love. It was one of the best prayers I've ever heard because it felt so spirit filled. I cried.

I guess God had a message for me, and I wasn't opening myself up enough to hear it on my own.

See people I won't ever meet

2011-02-28T08:51:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about all the people that have come and gone from my life. Mostly the ones who have gone. Some have gone slowly, gradually, a gentle and easy growing apart. Others have gone quickly in a dramatic falling out. Usually, it's somewhere in between these two extremes.

I realize I'm always talking about being scared of change. When things are good, it's only natural for me to want them the stay the same, so I'll know they'll always be good. Right now things are great, just really great. Quite possibly the best they've ever been. So I worry sometimes, more often than I'd like to admit, that things as they are here in Chicago will change and not be great anymore.

The thing is, I'm also afraid that things will stay the same. If I thought that the rest of my life would be this, I would hate it. I would be miserable. I want to move around, never settle, but there are some things I feel like I need to hold on to.

It would be awesome if I could just have faith.

But failure one conceals

2011-02-19T18:58:00.001-08:00

Everything had always come quite easily to Savannah Tankersley, that is, everything except for the one thing she'd wanted most of all, Fame. That is to say Fame, not celebrity. Savannah distinguished Fame from celebrity as more of an infamy, immortality. She lived in fear, in utter, shivering, debilitating fear that the last time her name would be seen in print would be in her obituary, the program of her funeral.

As her life slipped away, as breaths were fewer to come by and heartbeats simply to expensive for her to purchase, she prayed not for redemption, for forgiveness of her sins (mostly hidden in her heart besides those she'd extracted and burdened her characters with). No, not for that. She prayed instead that someone would find her files, the words she'd saved on her computer. Words were breath, indeed. That those words would affect someone. That the world would understand her message. That the nations would lament her death, crying out, "If only she had lived, the world would have had another genius." That the world be changed through the powerful whisper of her words.

Probably not, since nothing was completed, nothing fully finished.

And here she lies, actively participating in a death not even in the least bit newsworthy, leaving only the epitaph:

She lived, died, and no one was changed.

Amazed

2011-01-24T14:52:00.000-08:00

I have spent a few days in a bit of a funk. After reading some difficult Old Testament reading, I felt confused and lost in the darkness of ignorance.

Living in a culture in which education is valued so highly and is no longer necessarily elite like it used to be, information and knowledge are readily available to those who are willing to search for it; spending time in the library or even (God forbid) perusing the Internet proves to be an effective means for acquiring any information one wants to know. From the perspective of someone with a Bachelor's Degree and currently obtaining my elitist Master's Degree (lol), the fact that there's something I want to know that I may never know isn't easy to swallow. But the fact is, this is how God intended it.

I've had a moment of clarity. I have NO reason to doubt God. I literally have the exact life I imagined for myself after my move to Chicago. Everything I was worried about, everything I desperately prayed and cried about before I moved here has proven to be nothing to have worried about. I have friends, GREAT friends. I even have a best friend. School is great. It's not too hard for me, and no one thinks I'm stupid. I have a terrific job and plenty of money.

Disclaimer: I know these things are trivial and without them, I'd still have faith, but they are answered prayers.

Point: How could I have spent the last couple of days feeling abandoned?

Sarah, Thank you so much for talking me down from this yesterday. You are the perfect friend and mentor, so selfless and kind. Even when I'm acting crazy and irrational, you try to understand what I'm going through and totally make me feel NOT crazy and irrational. I don't know who I'd be if I'd never met you, but I do know I wouldn't be this, the me I've turned into. You're one of God's best gifts to me. Love forever.

This is what I've learned this week. God is good. We know this because we just know. It's in us because he made us. Even when it seems God is unfair and His plan is failing, we rest in the faith that he is good. He will not abandon.

New Adventure

2011-01-09T19:37:00.000-08:00

Hello All!

Since you are al faithful readers of my blog, I wanted you to be the firsts to know that I've started a new one. I'll still be writing on this one probably, but this year, I've been convicted to do a read-the-Bible-in-a-year adventure. I found a plan that I think suits me, and I'm going to be reading 2 chapters each day and blogging about them at this URL

misssavannahjane.tumblr.com

I would love to have all of you along on this journey.

Love.

Back to School

2011-01-04T21:00:00.000-08:00

Today was my first day back to school. I've had an amazing break, and I was seriously dreading going back. However, after buying my books yesterday and going to class today, it feels right. This is what I moved here for. This is what I do, what I'm meant to do. Being lazy and hanging out with my friends almost to the point of excess was a lot of fun, and I look forward to doing exactly the same during my next break, but I'm glad to be back to studying, reading, and writing. I'm sure I'll find time to have fun somewhere in there, too.

I knew a few people in my class, and had friendly conversation with some others, and they all seem pretty cool. I have some truly great out-of-class friends, but it would be really nice to have a lot of in-class friends, too.

This quarter I'm taking 19th Century Irish Literature (which I had today) and Bibliography/Literary Research. I wasn't looking forward to Bibliography class until I bought the books. Mrs. Dalloway and The Wasteland are on the reading list, so I think this professor and I will get along just fine. I'll have that class on Thursday.

After a successful ending to last quarter and writing a good bit on the novel I'm working on over break, I'm feeling pretty confident. We'll just have to wait to see how this quarter turns out.

Update

2010-11-27T20:26:00.000-08:00

Nothing clever or inspirational for this post. Just an update on life.

School's over. I don't have my grades yet, and I'm sick because I know I'm somewhere in the middle of an A and a B in both classes. Since I haven't had the stress of papers on my shoulders, I've been having a lot more fun with friends and stuff. It's been really great because for a week or two there, I really didn't see anyone because of my terrific work ethic.

Thanksgiving was actually good. I was concerned because I wasn't going to be home with my family. Truthfully, my family doesn't do that much for Thanksgiving anyhow since all of our family in centrally located in the first place. Also I didn't even go there for Thanksgiving last year. Still, it's a psychological thing.

Molly and I went to see Wes perform in the Thanksgiving Day Parade. We had to wake up early, and it was really cold, but it was good. Then we went to McDonalds for lunch. When Wes came over, we cooked Thanksgiving dinner and watched Love Actually. When that was over, we went to a bar for karaoke.

Yesterday I went to see Wes's show, Kiss Me Kate, in Oak Park. Then I drove us and our friend Jonathan to Second City to see Molly's improv show. We ate Wendy's and sung Glee, while Wes criticized my driving skills.

Today Wes, Molly, and I went to see Kaitlen's show, a children's Christmas musical calls Frosty's Shakes and Dogs. It was hilarious. Then we hung out at a pub after. Wes came over to use the Internet, and we watched a bit of Harry Potter and he took my Hunger Games book.

Basically the theme of all this is: I'm sooooooo happy to be done with school and that I can hang out and not have to always be thinking "UGH I should be writing or reading something." I worked so hard on my final papers. I had no idea I was even capable of work like that. I'm hoping for As. Regardless of the outcome, I know for certain that I did my absolute best.

Dreams

2010-11-15T14:25:00.000-08:00

Okay all you Freudians out there. I've been dreaming, and you know what that means.

(Stop asking me if I should be doing my homework since that's all I've been talking about. I need a break, okay?!)

Some of you know because you've had to listen to them in excruciating detail that I tend to have very vivid dreams. Sometimes I wake up really tired because I feel like I've lived an extra day instead of resting while asleep. I'm also a big believer in God giving us messages while we're asleep, and I can say I know for sure He's done that for me at least twice. (Note: I'm not trying to say these particular dreams are from God. Just noting my preoccupation with dreams.) Moving on.

Well, for the past two and a half weeks, I've been having these dreams. There's no action really, just a guy. The same guy. Every night. In the dreams he's my boyfriend, and we just hang out. Once we had a silly fight about buying our friend a gift before a party, and once we were just sitting there on a couch. Nothing interesting. It's just like I'm living a life outside of my awake life. Our relationship progresses each night, and since I started dreaming about him, I haven't missed a night of it. This guy is no one I know, but sometimes I feel like I'm in love with him even though he's just in my dreams.

When I'm on the train, I fantasize about him getting on, too. Our eyes meet. Maybe he's been dreaming of me, too?? Finally meeting him in real life would be a relief.

It's gotten to where when I'm lying down to sleep, I hope that I'll dream of him. If I missed a night, I don't know what I'd do in the morning!

This isn't healthy.

Life

2010-11-09T19:35:00.001-08:00

Let's be honest; I have a pretty great life. I rest easy in the assurance of salvation, I have a family who loves and would do anything for me, I have cool friends, both old and new, I live in one of the best cities in the world, I've had amazing opportunities for travel... I could go on, but that's not what this post is about.

There is something really hard about being me. That is this: I feel emotions very intensely. It took me a while to understand that most people aren't like that. Most people are just alright every day. I, on the other hand, am either ecstatic, pissed, depressed, or some other extreme emotion. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I feel like I'm going to explode. My heart beats fast, and I sweat a little; my eyes narrow; my breath comes short and shallow. I can't believe I never turned into a violent person. I never want to hit anyone, just tell them off in an incredibly witty war of words.

I know that all these little things that frustrate me are no big deal, but I just can't help having this reaction. It's takes so little to aggravate me; it takes so little to make me laugh...or cry. This is probably why all writers are either totally insane or alcoholics.

Noise

2010-11-08T07:56:00.000-08:00

In Chicago, there's always noise. I haven't heard one second of quiet since I got here. I guess I've gotten used to it now because I don't wake up every time I hear a siren, but I definitely still notice it. Most of the sounds are very unpleasant: the metallic clanking of a homeless guy going through our dumpsters for aluminum cans, the unbearable shrilling of the unfortunate urban kids with no playground going for a walk from the daycare center next door, and the aforementioned earsplitting sirens, which are a constant background even heard while in class.

This has led me to think about my favorite sounds, and here they are.

5) The sound of Cozy eating: I know this is weird, but when she crunches her hard food, it makes a really nice sound that I like.

4) Instrumental Folk/Bluegrass music: Really helps me focus when reading or doing homework or calm down after a busy day.

3) The sound of typing: I love being in the computer lab and hearing all the typing at once. Especially when one types really fast. It sounds really nice.

2) Basketballs bouncing on an indoor basketball court: I don't know if it takes me back to my childhood when I was a basketball star at basketball camp at Memorial Gym (LOL NOT!) when my grandpa still had hope of carrying on his basketball tradition, but I love that sound. This may be why I like High School Musical.

1) Thunderstorms: very typical, but I always find myself hoping for one. Unless, of course, I have to be outside. That sucks.

My Granny

2010-11-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I deleted my last post. I don't think I said anything out of line, and I'm not even sure anyone reads this, but I was PMSing when I wrote it, and I've decided to wait and see if I still feel that way afterwards...lol

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about my granny lately. For those of you who don't know, my granny is my great-grandma, my mom's mom's mom. She kept me when I was young, and I feel like we're kindred spirits. I wish I could have known her as an adult (she died when I was 14), so I could have gotten some real insight from her. Now I just speculate about what she would like and what she would approve of. I've always thought about her a lot. During every visit to Hazard I drive by her old house, and I usually go to her grave. I used to dial her number on my phone 436-4847, and not push send, just look at the numbers on my screen and wish I could send the call and she would answer. Since I've moved to Chicago, though, I've been thinking about her more than usual.

This is relevant; just follow me.

I realized last night that I've been counting on the wrong things here. I did make it a priority to find a church, but that's really the extent of my spirituality in Chicago. I've been hoping for A's and for friends, but I haven't been hoping to be closer to God. Last night I felt God telling me "You need Me." Why didn't I realize that before? I felt this longing for fellowship. I was so blessed in Bowling Green to have that, and I need that here. I'm making this a priority. I think the reason I've been feeling down is because this need is lacking in my life here.

So I was reading a Beth Moore book, and she has a story about her grandma. She says her grandma was thinking "I'll never know what you do in this world, but I can only hope." I like to think of my granny thinking this about me. She probably knew she'd never know me as an adult. I don't suffer under any delusion that she is seeing me now. She's in Heaven worshipping God. Why would she want to be watching my dull life? But I do wonder if she'd be proud. Or would she be mad that I left my family? I wish she could have known that I'd never forget about her or really even ever stop thinking about her. That she's always in the back of my mind in every decision I make.

Even though she's be dead for over 9 years now, she will never really die because she taught me how to be a Christian. She taught me how to read, write, how to be a student. She taught me about the Bible. Her meticulous saving is the main reason I was able to go to college without worrying about money. In all these things, she will live on at least until I die. If I have children and teach then Christianity, she will live on in them. If I write a book, she will live on in that. She'll never know unless Heaven is the kind of place in which I can tell her, but I hope that she hoped for that. I hope she saw something special in me.

This and That

2010-10-28T07:06:00.001-07:00

Well, hello. It's been a while, hasn't it?

I got really busy all of the sudden and haven't had time to write. Here's how my life has been going.

Kandace and Rachel came to visit, and we had A LOT of fun. We went shopping and to the beach and to MEDIEVAL TIMES! Medieval Times was, like, the most fun I've ever had. I got a pink dragon stuffed animal. We cheered like crazy people for the green knight and ate with our hands. I was really sad when they left.

I also got to see Professor Rutledge that weekend because it was WKU's fall break. He bought me dinner at a really nice place that his class was eating at. It's nice to still have a WKU connection.

I got to go to Kentucky for Whitney's wedding. I spent two nights in Hazard and two nights in Bowling Green. It was great to see my family and my friends. I miss all of them a lot. Right before I went to Kentucky I got pretty homesick. It's weird though because my family is in Hazard, but I get homesick for Bowling Green. My whole adult life is in Bowling Green. It's really hard to leave there.

There aren't many interesting things to say about Hazard. I just hung out with family. In Bowling Green I stayed with Dawn and Sarah. I had Cozy with me, and they were okay with having cats stay with them.

We had Whitney's rehearsal dinner on Friday. It was fine. I actually got a little upset because during her bridesmaid speeches, I felt kind of left out. First, she went on and on about how she and Kelly had "clicked" immediately. She praised her for traveling so far and said she "didn't know anyone else who would do that for a wedding." HELLO?!?!?!? Someone else would, and her name is ME! I travelled, too! I took a whole week from my schoolwork and drove all the way to Kentucky. Kelly didn't even drive; she flew, which is so much easier. I spent money to get there, too. Anyway, during my speech, Whitney proceeded to call me loud and obnoxious. She said this in a loving way, but that is in no way loving at all. It's like how old country women say "The poor thing's a slut, bless her heart." Next, she gave Elizabeth's speech in which she went on and on about how they clicked and had everything in common. Honestly, I felt hurt and kind of betrayed. She said these things in front of her and Daniel's whole families. I was embarrassed to even be seen at the wedding and couldn't wait to leave the rehearsal dinner. She also had told me that they weren't staying together that night and that she was staying at her family's house that night. Then at the rehearsal dinner she said she was staying at Elizabeth's house with Elizabeth and Kelly and was disappointed that I couldn't stay. I mean, I had my cat at Dawn's house. I can't just leave her there for Dawn and Sarah to take care of! I guess she just sucks at planning.

The wedding was nice. The church is pretty and the decorations were beautiful. The reception kind of sucked, since there was no dancing or even a bouquet toss. It felt kind of like a shotgun wedding, like thrown together fast. Pimento cheese sandwiches on white bread were the menu. After this, we took pictures for hours. It was truly terrible.

Then Whitney left without saying bye to us. I was sad because I'm 99% sure I'll never see her again. She doesn't put a lot of effort into staying in touch, and I think it would be too big a disappointment to call and call her and never get a call back. She doesn't seem that interested in friends since she has a big family plus now she and Daniel are married. Oh well, such is life.

The best thing about the Bowling Green stay was seeing some people. As soon as I arrived, I went to ESLI and saw some students, Patti and Elena, and Rachel and Kandace. The first night, Rachel came to Dawn and Sarah's and we watched The Incredibles and laughed and talked. Then the next night after the wedding, Kandace came over and we watched Sweeney Todd. On Sunday, I had breakfast at Cracker Barrel with Sarah, went to Jackson's Orchard with Kasey, and had lunch/dinner and went to Wal Mart with Elizabeth. For this, I'm glad I went there. It still felt like home there.

I am confident in my decision to move here, but I still feel homesick sometimes. I know this is just an obstacle that I have to overcome because the alternative is staying in Kentucky forever. My mom called the other day, and I just couldn't talk to her because I was sad. I do miss my mom a lot. Also my sister and my grandparents. Sometimes I feel so far away that I might forget who I was.

Like I said, I know being here is right, though. I found a great job that I'm really enjoying. Adele is really cute (she's sleeping right now) and actually kind of low maintenance as far as 3 month olds go. Her parents are really nice, and I make plenty of money. I'm making friends well, and I'm not really lonely at all. It helps with the homesickness that Kaitlen, Molly, and Wes are my friends. They are all from WKU, and I love hanging out with them. We always have a good time. I feel like I'm really a part of a group. It's also great to have a church partner (Wes). It's hard to be lonely when you don't have to go to church alone. I mean, I even went to church alone in Bowling Green. We are still really loving the Moody Church. I feel blessed that we found it. I'm going to put some thought into joining a Sunday School class.

My school friend, Libby, is also fun. We usually get together before class and have dinner. I'm happy I made a friend in the English Department so quickly. School's going well. I made a 90% on my first paper in Rise of the Novel class. I wish I had done a little better, but we'll see how I did on the second. I turned that in Monday. In Literary Criticism class, I got a B+ on the midterm. That's all it said was B+, no percentage. This worries me a bit. I'm at a disadvantage in this class because I've never studied literary criticism before, and some of my classmates have. Plus, I don't really like it that much... I'm doing my best, so that's all I can do. IF I do get a B in that class, I will be disappointed, but I will know that I really did do the absolute best I could do. I am learning a lot and that is truly the most important thing. School takes a lot of time and causes me a lot of stress.

I think I've said enough for now.

Love.

Library

2010-10-04T15:12:00.001-07:00

I got to school early again because I was hanging out with Kaitlen. We went to the Chicago Public Library and then for lunch/coffee. The library is amazing! I couldn't get a library card today because you need a piece of mail to prove you live in Chicago (since I don't have an Illinois driver's license), but I'm going to go back soon to get one. You wouldn't believe it. There are like 9 floors of stacks. There's also a separate children's library. It's also in a beautiful building, of course. It made me feel so wonderful to be there! I can't wait to get a library card.

I went back to the Moody Church this Sunday, and it was really good. They were having a conference this week about the Middle East and how to evangelize as well as bring peace to Jews and Muslims. I didn't go to the conference, but a guest speaker spoke instead of the preacher. He was a Messianic Jew and has written books and stuff. His name is Joel Rosenberg. He told a story about a radical Shiite Jihad Muslim he met who had converted to Christianity after reading the New Testament he had picked up at a Bible burning. He read it with the purpose of telling his followers how stupid it was, but the Lord worked in his heart. This story made me cry because after teaching at ESLI last year and meeting Arabic friends and students, my heart has been with the Middle East. It seems impossible to bring Christ to them because they so believe in their ways (by "they" I mean Jews and Muslims), but the only reason it seems like that is because we limit God. He created and then saved the world, of course he can change the hearts of Jews and Muslims. It's definitely dangerous to preach the gospel to these people, especially in their own countries, but Jesus demanded it in the Great Commission. We have to tell everyone, all nations, not just the ones that are safe.

After church there was a luncheon with a jihad Muslim who had converted to Christianity. I didn't get to go because I had a meeting, but he told his story there. He travels and tells his story even though his own family would kill him if they saw him. I pray that one day I will be so bold.

Anyway, I really love going to church there. I think Wes liked it, too, and we'll probably go back. Their music is like Baptist hymns (even though the church doesn't affiliate itself with Baptist or any denomination) and contemporary Praise and Worship songs. The music there is great. This week, in honor of the focus on Judaism, some students from the Moody Seminary sang a medley of Hebrew Praise and Worship songs, and it was absolutely beautiful. And the inside of the church is gorgeous. Wes and I went to the Visitor's Center afterwards to meet with some of the people. I can see myself going there long-term. And maybe joining a Sunday School class.

Wes and I went to The Counter for lunch, which I'd heard Oprah had mentioned as the best place to get a burger in Chicago. It was really good.

I've been hanging out a little more lately. Mostly with Kaitlen, Molly, and Wes. We go to Improv shows or just hang out. This past Friday, we intended to go to an improv show, but it was sold out, so we watched a movie and ordered Chinese delivery instead. It was laid back but fun. It's nice to have friends here because I wasn't sure I would at first. I also have a friend at school and some more that will probably become friends in the near future. My roommates are still pretty cool, though I didn't see either of them that much this week. When I'm at home now, I usually have to study. Today I'm turning in my first graduate assignment. It's a short paper, and my professor already read a draft of it and responded positively, so I'm not too worried. Of course I want an A, but if I get a B, it'll be okay. That just means I need to improve and learn more and that's what I'm paying so much for anyhow!

For those of you who are wondering, my Chess Pie turned out well. It didn't look so pretty, but it tasted delicious! Also, I'm an expert at making cornbread.

Wednesday Kandace and Rachel from ESLI are coming to visit me! I'm really excited to see them and show them the city. We're also going to Medieval Times, which I've always wanted to do! Also, Professor Rutledge will be here, and we're having dinner on Thursday night. It's going to be a great week, but I don't know how I'm going to get all my reading done.

Next Tuesday I start my job! I can't wait for that! I need money, but I also just want to get to know the family and the baby. It's going to be great.

Class time.

Love.

Job

2010-09-28T15:27:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this from the computer lab at school since I got here way early on accident. You just never know how long it's going to take to get here.

You did read that title right. I GOT A JOB!!!!!! I feel soooo relieved. It's a nanny job for a 2 month old 4 days a week. I'm pretty excited! The parents seem really nice, and they have LOTS of books. The baby's name is Adele (but I'm not sure how to spell it), so I'm going to be just like Jane Eyre. In honor of my job (also in honor of my buttermilk almost expiring) I tried to make Chess Pie today (from the Southern cookbook that Aunt Jean gave me), but I had to take it out of the oven before it was finished because I thought I would be late for school. I guess when I get back I'll try puting it back in to bake some more, but it's probably ruined. BOO. On a lighter note, I made cornbread this week (which is why I even have buttermilk), and it was soooooooooooo good. I'm quite proud of my cornbreak skills, and I think my granny would be proud of them, too ;)

Anyway, things have been going really well. I'm making more friends at school, which is really what I want. I hung out with Bowling Green friends on Saturday. That was really cool. I hope to spend more time with them. On Sunday I went to a great church called The Moody Church, founded by D.L. Moody. I'm going to go back there this coming Sunday. It seems like it could be a good fit for me. It's big, the music is a mix between hymns and contemporary, and there's a group dedicated to people in their 20's and 30's, so I would have a good place to plug in and meet people. It's also really easy to get to. And the sermon was really good. I've been looking over their doctrine, and it doesn't seem too far from what I think.

There's not too much more to say. Things have been moving along as normal. I love Chicago, and I haven't had one second of doubt about my choice to come here.

I'm excited because my work friends from Bowling Green, Kandace and Rachel are coming to visit for Fall Break! It will be soooo great to see them again. And also for Fall Break, Professor Rutledge from WKU is bringing a group up here for his Hemingway and Faulkner class. He invited me to tag along with them, and I'm pretty excited about that, too, since he's like one of the most awesome professors ever!

That's all for now.

The Pictures I've Promised

2010-09-20T21:06:00.000-07:00

Yes, I finally took and uploaded some pictures of my apartment. BUT you'll have to wait because first I'm going to tell you about my weekend.

It was great.

Friday night I went to see Daredevil's Hamlet at the Neo-Futurists theatre. It was different for sure but really funny. I went with Kaitlen, my friend from WKU, who also lives here now, and as it turns out, she has some friends here that also went to WKU and I know either directly or indirectly. It was really good hanging out with them just because they're from Kentucky, and it's also good to know people here. I don't know how often I'll see them, but just knowing they're here is comforting, though I can't exactly put it into to words as to why.

Saturday I was supposed to go to Wicker Park with my roommates, but we got rained out, so we stayed in, ordered Chinese delivery, and watched Remember Me. It was a different kind of fun than we were planning, but it worked out. Saturday night, Patti's sister, Lynne, was in town, and we got together for dinner at the Basil Leaf Cafe, a nice Italian restaurant. Her friend Teresa was also there. We had a fun time. And Patti bought our dinner even though she wasn't even there!!! lol I miss Patti A LOT.

Sunday I tried out a new church, Holy Covenant United Methodist Church. Wes, who I met at the show and is also from Bowling Green (we have several mutual friends but actually never met until Friday), went too. I think we're going to try out churches together for a few weeks to alleviate the stress of going alone. It was a lot better knowing that he was going to be there, too, and I wasn't the only new person. It's also nice just talking with Kentucky people and not being self conscious about my accent :/ Honestly, I don't think about it THAT much, but I do think about it...

As for the church, it was good, but not the one I want to go to always. It's a church I can walk to, which is very nice. It's small; the music was pretty and simple. I liked it. The minister is a woman, which I also like. They are progressive in their beliefs, and it's nice to be in an environment that encourages love rather than hate or nonacceptance.

After church, I went to Intelligentsia, which is my new favorite place to read/study. I looooooove it there. I also love one of the coffee boys :) He saw my HUGE Norton Anthology of Theory and Criticism while I was ordering my hot chocolate and told me he had just started reading Atlas Shrugged. I told him that was an ambitious task. He asked for my name, and I said Savannah. I'm not sure whether or not he asked it for the coffee order, but the other times I've been there, they didn't ask my name for the order.....just sayin'. lol

Sunday I happened upon Lynne and Teresa sitting on a bench outside their hotel, and they invited me for pizza and sangria with them. That was fun, and I'm glad I got to hang out with them again before they had to go back home to Ohio.

SO really good weekend.

Today was good, too. I had a group interview for a job at a tutoring company called Brain Hurricane. It's an SES company. I think the interview went really well. It was really hands on and interactive. The other girls in the interview with me were really nice, and I had fun with them. I hope we all get hired, so we can be friends. The interviewer said they won't be making decisions until October, so I'll have to wait to really know how it went. I'm hoping for a job to come around pretty soon...............any job. I mean, any job where I don't have to work too much, and school can be my first priority...

I had my 18th Century Novel class today. I have a new friend, Libby. She's in both of my classes, and today when class started, she sat by me, which is how I know we're friends lol. I like her, and I'm happy to have a class friend. I like that class, too. I don't feel too stupid to mention things. And I think my professor likes me. At least he has known my name from the beginning and still has trouble remembering some of the other's names. I think I made some good points today in class. At the VERY least, my voice was heard, and my class participation grade is not in jeopardy and my professor will like me. These are the important things in life.

Without further ado, my pictures.

My desk area

View from the bedroom door

TV/Book area

My Bathroom

Bathroom Wall

Kitchen

Living Room (which we're still working on)

That's all for now. Still loving Chicago. Hoping to have some visitors soon!

S

School and Stuff

2010-09-16T22:58:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been great!

I'm officially a graduate student, as I have been to two graduate classes: "The Rise of the Novel (18th Century)" and "Literary Criticism." I am sure I will learn a lot in both classes. There was one girl in both of my classes, and I think we'll be friends. She mentioned to me shamelessly that she loves Twilight and saw Eclipse multiple times in theatres. Instant friends.

Before class on Tuesday, I went to Target to get some stuff ready for my job interview I had Wednesday (more on that later). As it turns out, we have a new Target close to here. It is awesome! The carts and baskets are new and designed so cool. There's an escalator AND a cart escalator. Their actual stock is a lot like any other Target. They have LOTS of clothes, but since I am currently unemployed, I only looked :(

So I made an abbreviated version of a teacher portfolio for this interview. This is for a job that is 30 hours a week and involves a lot of work. It's also in the south, which is WAY scary. My mom said she was surprised my car didn't get stolen LOL It's funny because that's exactly what I was stressing about to my roommates the day before. Seriously y'all, this place is the epitome of projects. The position is Literary Tutor at a high school for low income at risk students. I haven't heard about the results, but if I get the job, I don't think I'll take it. I need an easy job, so school can come first. I also don't want to have to carry pepper spray in my purse. (I really did that. Colleen lent me hers). School has to be my first priority. It's definitely going to require a lot of work, but I know I will learn so much. It'll be worth it.

Wednesday after the interview I didn't really do much, just hung out with my roommates. I've said it before, but they're fun, and I like them. I've lived alone for a while now, and I had forgotten how awesome it was just to know that people are here. Last night, I read for 18th C class on the couch while Colleen studied GRE at the table, and every now and then we talked. It made studying so much better just to do it in company. It's nice to have people to talk to at the end of the day.

Today I finally set up a bank account with Bank of America, but I'm totally not sold on their procedures. I can only go to a teller to do things I cannot do at an ATM. If I go to the teller to deposit a check, they charge me. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!?! Whatever. If it becomes a pain, I'll switch to another bank. Then I went to Curves for the first time since coming to Chicago. It was great! The people there were so nice just like my Curves in Bowling Green. I think I may not bother with visiting around; I'll probably just go ahead and make it official and transfer there. It's kind of a pain to get to: a walk, then an L ride, then another walk (I could substitute bus for walk), but it's worth it. Really, the women there were really nice. They talked to me and were interested in my life.

After Curves, I went to Intelligentsia, which is a coffee shop, to read for my Literary Criticism class. It was cool studying there. I think I might make it my regular place. FYI it's the coffee shop they go to in Gossip Girl.

This weekend will be FUN. Tomorrow I'm going with Kaitlen (a friend from WKU) to a play, Saturday I'm hanging out at Wicker Park with my roommate Katherine, Saturday night I'm going to dinner with Patti's (my officemate at ESLI) sister, who is visiting here. Sunday trying out a new church.

Of course, you all will hear all about it.

ALSO I promise pics of my apartment in the next post!

LOVE

S

Eclipse...Again

2010-09-12T22:24:00.000-07:00

Today was a beautiful day in Chicago.

I tried out a church. It was just okay. Everyone there was really nice, but it was so small that it was painfully obvious that I was new. Still I'd probably go back if the travelling there weren't such a pain. There are a few churches within walking distance that I'm going to try before making any decisions.

Later I needed to take my car for a drive to make sure the battery is still good and give it a chance to charge up. I don't know what that means, but that's what people say. I also needed to get some stuff from my car (I still forgot my umbrella though), so I went for a drive to Oak Park. While there, I went to see Hemingway's birthplace, which is a towering Victorian home his British grandfather built when he moved here. It was really beautiful. Here it is.

After that, my roommates and I went to see Eclipse like I mentioned before. It was awesome, of course, as always. And it was fun hanging out with them.

Tomorrow, my classes start. I'm sooooooooooooo nervous! I hope there are some cool people in my class. I also hope that I don't feel completely stupid compared to everyone else in there. I'm hoping to make a good first impression on my classmates as well as my professor.

I'll let you know how it goes.

My First Week in Chicago

2010-09-11T19:11:00.000-07:00

Wow! It's hard to believe I've been in Chicago for a week. It got off to a rough start since my friend who helped me move ended up being completely hateful. The good news is that ever since I dropped them off at Union Station, everything has been perfect! I love living here so far. However, who wouldn't love it when their only responsibility is sitting in their apartment and exploring the third biggest city in America??

The job search is on. I've been applying everywhere I can think of! I have an interview for a literacy tutoring position at a low-income school on Wednesday. I really hope I get this job because if I do, I won't have to worry about money. There will be a lot of work involved but not more than I can handle.

I love living in Chicago! I went to the Lincoln Park Zoo, where I saw lions. I really love lions. The zoo is free! Can you believe that?

Last night, I went to Navy Pier and took one of the Shoreline tours of the Chicago River. I heard a lot about Chicago history and saw some pretty views, but mostly I learned that it's very cold on the river at sunset...

I have been spending a lot of time alone, which doesn't bother me at all. But I also really love hanging out with my new roommates, Katherine and Colleen. They are nice and funny. I think we will have fun together. Last night we watched New Moon on Katherine's HUGE TV, and tomorrow we're going to see Eclipse because it's being re released for Bella's birthday, which, as you all know, is September 13th.

I love the lifestyle here. You just walk out of your apartment and walk to your grocery store, bank, restaurant, shopping, etc. There's no need for driving, and if you need to go far, there's a bus or an L. I know you guys know this already, but it's such an amazing thing to just walk down to the Market Place (which is the name of my grocery store) and buy the things you need. There's another place a few streets away that carries Aero Bars, which I fell in love with in England. This place is aptly named World Market. It's more expensive, so I'll probably just buy my chocolate there :)

Our apartment and my bedroom are coming along as far as unpacking goes. I'll include some pics on the next post.

I love and miss you all!

S

My beautiful city from Millennium Park

Top-Ten

2010-08-16T22:17:00.001-07:00

I enjoy making lists, so here's one for your reading pleasure. Everyone knows I can get a little obsessive at times. By obsessed I mean I think about it in my everyday life and seek out people with whom I cam discuss them. I've been thinking about obsessions of past and present lately due to the upcoming release of the much awaited 3rd book in the Hunger Games trilogy. So without further ado, here are the top ten fictional couples with whom I've been obsessed (in no particular order).

10) Buck and Chloe: Left Behid Series
9) Sookie and Eric: Sookie Stackhouse novels
8) Blair and Nate: Gossip Girl
7) Jim and Pam: The Office
6) Jane and Mr. Rochester: Jane Eyre
5) Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy: Pride and Prejudice
4) Jacob and Renesmee: Twilight
3) Bella and Edward: Twilight
2) Suze and Jesse: the Mediator series
1) Katniss and Peeta: Hunger Games trilogy

Moving

2010-08-01T07:00:00.001-07:00

Right now, I'm lying in my hotel room, small but nice, waiting for my alarm to go off because I'm so not ready to wake up. It's been a rather simple visit to Chicago but great in so many ways.

Yesterday I met my roommates, and they both seemed really cool. We ate at a little crepe place for lunch and walked a bit on the street, looked at puppies, etc (just looked). I think it's going to be awesome living with them! Then I went to see my new apartment to make sure I liked it before I signed the lease. I LOVED it!!! The building is so pretty, and it seems really safe. I can't wait to live there with Katherine and Colleen. The apartment is really close to the lake and some awesome streets for shopping and restaurants. I'm ready to start the next part in my life. Living in Chicago is going to be a huge adjustment, but I think it will pay off in the end.

That's the easy part. The hard part is saying goodbye to Bowling Green, my home for the past 6 years and to those who made it "home." I have one month or goodbyes. I have a feeling this month will see considerably more crying than usual. But not knowing when or if I'll see all of the people who have made my life so special again is something I have to trade for making my life more special than it is now.

The Best of Times

2010-07-25T22:09:00.001-07:00

As the title indicates, I've been having some really special times lately. Last weekend, Bobby and I went to Lexington for Sam's wedding then I spent the night in Louisville and went to church with his family. This weekend Whitney and her bridesmaids went to Louisville for a bachelorette party at the Galt House. After shopping the next day, I left them to hang out with Bobby again and I spent the night and went to church.

It was really nice seeing Bobby twice. I miss him a lot when he's in Wilmington. I hope our Spring Break Orlando plans work out for next year!

It seems like apartment plans will be finalized soon! I hope so! I'm going to Chicago this weekend to take care of some lease stuff. It seems as though everything is coming together beautifully, which is great.

I have just over a month left in Bowling Green, and it is surreal to think that Kentucky won't be my home anymore. This is what I've always wanted, and I'm proud of myself for taking a risk.

My Fourth

2010-07-04T15:55:00.001-07:00

Obviously, this weekend I've been celebrating Independence Day with my family in Hazard. I can't help but feel extremely patriotic at a time like this. I love America, and when I think about the small-time American soldiers defeating the big, bad wolf that was the British
Empire at a time when they owned half of the world, I swell with pride that that is my history, a history all Amercans share. As much as I love travelling and as much as I would love to experience living In another country, I will always be American and will always take pride in our history and the example of democracy, justice, and fairness we have
been to the world. Maybe America has gotten off track since the Puritans first came here in the 17th century, but My prayer is that God will bless us by bringing us back to Him.

We got back from Kings Island at about midnight on Friday night, and yesterday I drove to Hazard from Bowling Green. I love our Fourth of July traditions. First, all of Hazard has a fish fry together. Unfortunately, I didn't make it in time for that. Then at dark, everyone on my street, Lyttle Blvd, gathers at the end of the street and watches the Hazard fireworks together. We've done this for as long as I can remember. This year, I wasn't expecting a big family get-together...since there are no kids in family, holidays don't really seem to be a big deal anymore. I was expecting just me and my grandparents, but to my surprise, my mom, sister, aunt and uncle all came! Plus I also met my sister's boyfriend. We watched the fireworks with some dear family friends and neighbors. We caught up with each other and laughed for an hour or so.

Today, I attended a wonderful service at my home church. Then my stepdad's family had a cookout. I met my stepdad's brother's new wife for the first time since I couldn't make it to their wedding a few
weeks ago. She was really nice and seems to fit in well with our family. My stepdad introduced me to her as his oldest daughter; I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.... Anyway we sang hymns and stuff. It was fun.

The only thing that sucks
about this weekend is that I have TONS of essays to grade..…BOO! But I love my job anyway.

HAPPY FOURTH!!!!!!

Nothing Gold Can Stay

2010-06-30T20:54:00.001-07:00

Yep, you read that right. It's an Outsiders allusion. I'm feeling a bit pensive today. It's probably due to all of the emotions from last night's Eclipse premiere...

I used to have a friend. We are not friends anymore. Is this the end of the world? Of course not. The problem is that there is so much hate for me in his heart. I have been reflecting on our friendship, and I just can't think of anything that could have deserved those feelings. I've resolved myself to the fact that this particular individual is not a Christian, so he doesn't know how to love or forgive. I'm hesitant to even use the word forgive since I haven't even done anything to him that requres forgiveness.

Anyway, all of that aside, I'm still pretty happy. Tomorrow we are going on a field trip to Kings Island! My bff Whitney is going even though she quit ESLI a few weeks ago. I think it will be a lot of fun. We get to stay in a hotel and go to KI for free! Plus I even get paid for the hours I'll be there! The aforementioned ex friend will be there, too, but I don't care... I wil still have so much fun.

The most important thing I need to discuss is the Eclipse midnight release last night. The movie was awesome!!!!! It's my favorite one so far, and I can't wait to see it again. Rob, Kristen, and Taylor all looked great and did a great job. Also I think this director is really good. During the war, the vampire heads broke off like stones-it created a really cool visual. I went there with my friend Lacey. We always do these things together, and I love that tradition. And seeing Rob on the big screen NEVER gets old!

Here I go again

2010-06-27T20:05:00.000-07:00

Well friends, I'm back!

My excuse for not blogging before was that I had nothing to write about. However, due to my job teaching English as a Second Language and my upcoming move to Chicago, I feel I have more than ever to discuss: fears and excitements, victories and failures.

Today I had a wonderful lunch with two of my students, Sukainah and Saleh, a married couple from Saudi Arabia. They cooked Arabic food for me, and it was delicious. I always feel so honored when students invite me into their homes like that. In their culture, it's a tremendous sign of friendship. They tell me I am kind. I'm not convinced they're right, but I'm so glad I've given them that impression.

I took with me my English translation of the Koran, so they could help me with some words and the Arabic alphabet. I love learning about their religion, language, and culture. It sounds crazy but the more I learn about Islam, I feel more connected to Christianity. I guess more like honored to have been chosen to know the truth. It's my dream to study Arabic...maybe in Egypt. After obtaining a Master's Degree, I'm hoping to apply for a Fulbright for this.

I'm moving to Chicago after summer semester--around August 13. I'm very excited to be moving on with my life, but as someone who usually avoids change to the most bizarre and unreasonable degree, I'm also a little scared. It doesn't make it any easier that things with my job at ESLI are going pretty well, and I seem to be succeeding there. The top three things I'm most scared of about moving are...

1) The curriculum will be too difficult for me.
2) The people will think I'm stupid because of my accent.
3) I will not have any friends.

I'm officially putting these aside because I've prayed and prayed about this move, and I'm convinced it's God's will. Now that my family is on board, we're moving forward. I always said I was made for more, for something different than small town life. We're about to find out if I'm just a bunch of talk, all hat and no horse as they say out west.

FACEinHOLE

2009-11-20T08:30:00.001-08:00

Create your own FACEinHOLE

My violent yesterdays have brought me here to this prodigious today.

2009-05-31T12:24:00.000-07:00

My trip to Louisville did not disappoint. I got to spend a lot of time with Selena and her kids, whom I will always love. Austin took a nap in my lap, and I still feel like there's nothing sweeter than that. Nothing makes you more maternal than to have a sleeping four-year-old in your arms. I've been close to her kids for a long time, and it was so good to see them. It was also nice to have a chance to catch up with Selena.

Then Bobby and I went to see Up, which was so cute. I even cried at one point, which is typical for me, but still a means by which to determine the movie's credibility. Of course, it was nice to see Bobby.

I can't help looking forward to England. That trip will be the perfect end to an amazing time at WKU. I received an e-mail earlier today containing a link of some helpful information. I'll post it just in case any of you decide to plan a trip to England any time soon. http://www.comeawaywithme.co.uk/LondonAudioGuide

Booga until next time.

Lost in Austen

2009-05-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

I hardly know how to begin it's been so long since I've written. My excuse is that I've nothing to say, but I have confidence that troubles I don't even know I'm having will percolate through my fingertips as I mindlessly tap.
I should be reading.
GAH it's summer, and I should be reading.
Who am I trying to fool? I'd be reading anyway. I'll always be reading. Some are out experiencing the world, changing it, saving it. I'm reading about it. Lying in bed with my oscillating tower fan placed ever so correctly, blowing just enough to cause my hairs to dance with one another but not enough to turn my pages. Surely there's nothing shameful in reading; it's just that I do it so much. Reading, however important it is, cannot be the be all and end all of intelligence. If one incarcerates themselves in a book eternally, what will he or she experience? A pillow of dark circles to support the tired eyes and a view of the world that is a mixture of fact and fiction crafted and corroborated between the hand of the writer and the fancy of the reader.
Anyway, enough of that.
As we've already established that I am reading, the question as to what I am reading inevitably must arise. Jane Austen. Over and over until I'm sick. All seven of her novels have to be wrenched into my brain before July 9th, which is when I leave for England. Let me just say once and for all that I am not an Austen lover as some of my friends. I respect her and unashamedly enjoy a novel every now and then, but let's be honest. She's nothing more than a glorified Nicholas Sparks. She seems classic because her nomenclature is outdated and her lexicon is from a different century, but her plots (girl is lonely/poor, girl meets rich man, rich man sweeps her off her feet, happily ever after) end in love and fortune: the ultimate happy ending. The only difference between Jane Austen and Nicholas Sparks is that sometimes, Nick will blindside us with an unhappy ending just to see if we're paying attention.Reading one is pleasure; reading seven consecutively is torture. My opinion of Jane Austen is in danger of being harmed forever due to overindulgence.
Conclusion:
I'm going to Louisville tomorrow for lunch and play with Selena's family and dinner and a movie with Bobby. I've been frustrated lately about some things, some people, some ambiguities that must remain so. I hope this day trip will be the uplift I need.

He is Risen

2009-04-12T20:16:00.001-07:00

Today was Easter. This day always makes me happy. I have wonderful memories from my great grandma on Easter; this was her favorite holiday, and we'd celebrate it more extravagantly than Christmas. This is a true Christian holiday, she'd say. My granna taught me about Jesus. She read me the Bible everyday and taught me to read out of my first little kid Bible. Of course, I'm always reminded on this day of Jesus and his sacrifice, his unfailing love and uncomprehendable grace. I was joyous at being able to be in Hazard this Easter. I grew up in my church there, and it's nice to hear the gospel in the place you first heard it.

Today, my preacher did a children's sermon. He has a thing where he does "Sermon in a Sack," and he brings something in a bag. Today the bag was empty, and the preacher was like, "It's like the tomb when the women found it: empty. The women came to see Jesus in the tomb, and when they saw it, Jesus was gone." One of my neighbor's four sons, Hank, gasped really loudly, and his friend said even louder, "Yeah, Hank. Didn't you know that???????" I seriously laughed about that for like 5 minutes. I don't have anything to follow it up--any lesson I've learned or anything like that. I just love the crazy things that kids say.

That's all for now I suppose.

Almost as if by magic

2009-04-04T15:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had one of the best days I've had in a while. Nothing huge happened, but I was happy. It was a good day at school. Teachers and students alike were ready for spring break, so we went to the computer lab or library and worked and sort of relaxed as well. I see some amazing potential in some of my students. About a week ago, one of my favorite kids calls me over to his computer and asks me to listen to this song on his iPod. It was actually a pretty rad song. After I expressed a taste for it, he and his bff have been having me read the songs they write and talking to me about the music they play. They have ambitions to start a Christian band together. I've been trying to encourage them to reach for their ambitions.

Anyway, yesterday Bobby came to hang out with me at work, which was good because it is SO boring there! Especially on Friday nights because like no one comes. We joked around and goofed off, and it was such a welcome release to the high tension situations I've had to deal with lately. We went to Steak and Shake and then to see A Haunting in Connecticut with Sam and Chris. It was SO scary, but afterwards, Bobby drove me to my car on campus, and I laughed harder than I have in such a long time. Smiling and laughing are my two favorite things. Plus I think I'm really good at both of them.

Today, I'm lounging around, reading leisurely. Next week, I get to work with my friends at the Cherry Hall Writing Center. Wednesday, haircut and photo shoot! Thursday HAZARD!!! I think there are some good days lurking in my future!

Useless

2009-04-02T18:21:00.000-07:00

I've been sitting here at work since 5:00. It is now 8:22, and I've read half of the book I started today, got caught up on the Office, and had a few short phone conversations. I've listened to the Yankee, who works at the Reference Desk, blab on and on with his irritating voice accompanied by a constant murmur of oriental languages invading my thoughts. I have tutored no one. I am useless.

In Heart of Darkness, Conrad discusses all of these useless women in their useless jobs. That is me. Feckless. Knitting away with my black yarn. Knitting nothing in particular. It won't turn into a scarf to keep a loved one warm or a sweater for someone to hide away, pretending they like it. I'm just knitting. Knitting to keep my hands busy, so I don't feel as though I'm doing nothing. I must feel productive. The actual productivity is not so important.

I shared the gospel yesterday. It made me cry. I feel lost. And useless.

It's very easy to drown in self pity. Easier than drowning in water or even in blood.

It gives me a certain thrill to use punctuation incorrectly. Like I have the power of language, and I can use it any way I please.

The book I'm reading is called The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian. I just love it. It's funny; it's sad. It reminds me of Jacob Black, only this kid is even more endearing. He is poor, impoverished really. He lives on a reservation, where he is forced to study with ancient books: the exact same books his mother used when she went to school there. He realizes he's special. He inconveniences himself in ways unimaginable to advance above what he was born into. When he moves to a white school, he makes this friend Gordy, a bookish nerd-type. He's staring at awe at the books in the library and says he gets a metaphorical boner. When I read the following lines, my heart beat a little faster because I know now that I'm not alone in this philosophy. Gordy says, "Yes, it's a small library. It's a tiny one. But if you read one of these books a day, it would still take you almost ten years to finish...The world, even the smallest parts of it, is filled with things you don't know."

Every book, every experience, every breath is a gift that brings a new perspective, a new realization.

Books hold all of the secrets. Why are they not valued more?

To Find My Place in the World

2009-03-28T08:20:00.000-07:00

Melancholy sets in, possesses me, grabs ahold of my soul and refuses to release, and with its hands in an immortal grip around my heart, I feel alone. I'm giving in and shrinking into myself. I have no one else. What do people say about me when I leave a room? I think I can guess. Christians whispering from behind Bibles; pews filled with the stale taste of masked gossip and concealed hate. I am finished.

I cannot move back to Hazard, but I am also convinced that in that small and miserable town live the only people I will ever be able to trust to love me unconditionally. Destiny calls me to be alone.

I can see you don't want me, so I won't come back.

Yeah, They Called it the Dark Ages.

2009-03-22T21:08:00.000-07:00

I am a total freak.
I'm not kidding.

My mom used to say to me, "Savannah Jane, you are never satisfied." I'd think well I would be satisfied if I ever got what I wanted.

The truth is that I almost always get exactly what I want. My life hasn't been perfect, and I've been through things that most people will never have to worry about. I keep these things to myself because all things considered, I'm a pretty private person, and I'm uncomfortable with people, even my closest friends, knowing about my problems.

Still, I really do get just about everything I want. I feel like this is a skill I have acquired. What some call selfishness, I call being able to get what you want. This is why I admire Lady Macbeth and Sharpay. Why is it such a crime these days to look out for yourself, to make sure you get the things you want?

I have a fear--I mean fear completely literally; I have nightmares about it. This fear is mediocrity: being average. The thought of being a teacher makes me sick because every jane doe decides she'll be a teacher. Teachers get married, forget how to learn things, handcuff themselves to their teacher's editions, and have babies, buy houses--everything I don't want to do.

I live my life in a constant state of half reality/half fantasy, always writing stories in my head. They rarely make it to paper, but they get me through the day. I used to think that I would never be happy unless I were famous. Harsh reality hit, and I realized I probably never would. I tried to be content, but now I think I won't. I need something extraordinary to happen. I need to BE something spectacular.

I have come to the painful fact that reality will never be as good as fantasy. The best guy in the world is at my fingertips, and all I can think of is how it could be more exciting. The realization that if I get married, none of my fantasies have a chance of happening. I'll never be an A-list celebrity in a stable but public relationship with someone equally as awesome and popular as I.

Whatever. I'll never be satisfied. Thanks, mom, you were right. But maybe I don't want to be satisfied. Maybe the drive I have for the fantastic will make all of my dreams come true. Maybe I shouldn't settle for anything less than heart-stoppingly exciting, breath-takingly unordinary.

You Can Bet That He's Doin' it For Some Doll

2009-03-14T07:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, we all know how mean I am, right? I mean I am a cold-hearted old bitch, from whom no one is safe. That being said, I was so mean to my fellow student teacher Thursday. This was a unique week. It was WKU spring break, so I didn't have to work at the Writing Center, and at FSHS, we only had school 3 days because of basketball tournaments and a prescheduled 3-day-weekend, so even though it was an easy week, everyone was all out of whack.

SO the point is: I was mean, and the meanest part of it is I don't feel badly about it. I still maintain the position that he deserves it because he always treats me like some sort of infant that cannot walk down the hall independently.

I was clearly mad at him. You all probably know that when I'm mad at someone, I do not keep that a secret. Surely he could tell. Anyway, he comes into my room, asking me if I got my DVD recorded for our mandatory taped lessons. I was like "yeah, it's right there," and pointed to it, sitting next to the little tape on which is was originally recorded. He proceeds to go on for like 8 minutes about how I shouldn't have kept that little tape. "Why did you keep that? blah blah blah You shouldn't have kept that." Finally I gave in, and I was like, "Okay, what else should I have done with it?" He told me I should have given it back to the school, so they could record over it. It would save them money he said.

WTF??? Who even freaking cares?

I resent him for talking to me that way. And it's not like this is the only time. He always does things like this everyday. He tells me I should do something or do something differently or I shouldn't have done that. This irritates me more than anyone could possibly imagine. I just want to be like "Okay look, I've lived this long pretty successfully without any male guidance; I think I can continue just fine."

I don't know if I just resent men in general telling me what to do, or if it's just him, but MY WORD it just IRKS the crapola out of me!

Anyway, he comes into my room again and tells me that when I'm in England this summer, I should go to Charles Darwin's house and take a picture of it for him. There are many things wrong with this. I'll list them below.
1) I refuse to patronize the estate of Charles Darwin.
2) I never plan on seeing this guy after this semester, so he could never even get the picture.
3) I have many more important things to see while I'm in England.
4) The most important reason: Why would I do anything nice for him?!?!?!

Reason #1 is the reason I gave him. I guess I sounded smug, pretentious, and holier than thou. I went on to say that Charles Darwin is the exact opposite of what I want to be because he used his skills, talents, and passions to thwart the Kingdom, while I want to use mine to advance it, and I couldn't find it in me to respect him. While I may have been being a tad dramatic, and Darwin was a big contributor to Victorian culture, I just couldn't acquiesce. I do not want to do something nice for him. Isn't this so mean? But I can't help it.

I doubt I'll get nicer, so let's just hope that he takes a hint and for the next five weeks, stops talking to me.

On a lighter note: ONLY FIVE WEEKS LEFT!!!!!!!

She was the one he ate the apple for

2009-03-09T15:01:00.000-07:00

I am SO sick of school, and I seriously cannot wait until I never have to go there again. I've said this before, and I'll say it again; the entire public school system is a farce. I'm so sick of it. I've cut some parts out for security reasons, but let's just make this clear: Robert Browning is most definitely British. He was born and spent most of his life in a London suburb and as far as anyone knows, never even went to Scotland. God, you are a fraud.

Also at my school there is a fellow student teacher, who insists on making me feel stupid. Let's not mention the fact that I'm obviously his intellectual superior. Here's a tip by the way, being pretentious and all serious and emo doesn't make you smart, okay? Anyway, he always calls me spoiled. And maybe I am spoiled, but I've come to notice that when people call you spoiled, they are usually just trying to put you down because they're jealous. Yes, I have been really lucky. I have been really blessed with grandparents who value education and have the means to provide that for me. This guy actually had the audacity to call my grandma an ENABLER!!!! I was just like "Dude, I'm in college." It's not like I'm doing drugs or whatever. I'm just so frustrated. How is somebody supposed to be financially independent when they're in college. Well, if they don't take out their weight's worth in gold for student loans? And my grandparents didn't want me to have to start out my adult life in debt, and they have the means to make sure this doesn't happen. Is this being spoiled? If it is, I am SO FREAKING GLAD I'm spoiled.

So F y'all.

The butcher king and his fiend-like wife

2009-03-02T16:13:00.001-08:00

I find great pleasure in looking out of my window. In my home, though it may not be a high class home, and some may call it a Tim Burton house, I am shielded from the exterior elements. Cozy has been known to lurk in windows, looking out. I wonder if I am so conspicuous when I do it. People walking, talking, running. My neighbors having a party. Wind, rain, snow, lightning. I watch all of these things out of my window, and I never have to experience them; I am an outsider (or I guess the appropriate term would be insider) simply looking on.

I pray this is not how I will always be living my life. I want to be the one looked at instead of the one looking. I need people to know who I am. I am so sick of this boring life I have. Sure, there are some intersting people in it, but how do I get an exciting life?

I've had experiences. I've felt love for a boy. I've been in his arms and felt safe like I never wanted to feel any other way. I've known for sure that all I ever wanted was to be with him forever. But now that I'm separated from that feeling, I know there are more exciting things out there, and it's not worth giving them up. I've felt the numbing sting of the death of a loved one, a cousin and a best friend. That painful revelation that I'll never speak with him again. That day when you finally get it; he's gone.

I've seen some extraordinary things and been some places that left me speechless. I've been to the top of the Empire State Building, looking down on the night that is just as bright as day; I felt like I could conquer the world if I could just live in NYC. I've been to Ellis Island and felt the souls of the uncountable hungry immigrants, longing for a place for refuge. I've been to the Tower of London and touched the stones of an ancient castle still standing valiantly as a symbol of harshness and torture as well as strength and hope. I've been to Canterbury Cathedral and prayed in the same spot the celebrated martyr prayed and died. These experiences were no doubt exciting when they happened, but now they are just memories and seem about as real as the things I make up in my head to occupy my day. How long can memories sit in your head before the cease being real?

After all of these experiences, my life still just feels boring. I am so discustingly mediocre. My only fear metamorphosed into my only reality.

A man who is tired of London is tired of life.

2009-02-28T21:12:00.000-08:00

All I can think about is England: London, the moors, Bath. I'm going to be there so soon. I feel like I'm using it as a defence mechanism because thinking of it makes me happy, so that counteracts all of the stress I have about everything I have to do before I get on the plane (mainly live through student teaching). Honestly, I don't care about the psychology of it. I'm just so happy that it's going to happen. The last trip there changed me so much; I wonder what changes lie in store for me on account of this trip. It's all rather quite exciting, I dare say.

Where Nicholas Nickelby tried to make an honest living.

Where Jane Eyre nearly died after running away from Mr. Rochester.

Where all of the best Austen parties took place.

One gets the feeling that the world really is at her fingertips, and all she has to do is pick up a pen and write all about it.

Does enchantment pour out of every door? No, it's just on the street where you live.

2009-02-26T11:05:00.000-08:00

I am feeling so sick of hearing words.

Let me explain. I am a lover of words. Their power is so extreme, and the way you arrange them, fit them together like some sort of puzzle, can change everything. Everyone has their own specific brand of rhetorical style, and that's what makes words so unique. We all use basically the same words, but we format them differently and that's what gives us our voice.

Still, I feel like I'm just going to die because all people ever do is talk talk TALK. I get so sick of the talking. SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND DO SOMETHING! Okay, so you don't like the way the world is; CHANGE IT. Stop criticizing every move. Stop trying to make your peers feel inferior because you use pretentious words all the time. Hello! We're English majors; we all know big words. You bitch and whine every day about how your life sucks. Well get up and CHANGE IT.

There is unmeasurable value in knowing the intricate details of the English language as well as improving vocabulary and lexicon. However, this is not France. This is AMERICA. In America, we don't sit around and talk about things; we do things; we get things done. If we don't like something, we do something about it. We take action. This country was founded on the fact that we didn't like how we were being treated by the British, so we told them about their fat selves, and we totally kicked their collective ass. These are the values of a proper American, and even as a future expatriate, I value these characteristics that our forefathers appreciated and we are losing.

I'm reminded by a song from My Fair Lady called Show Me.

Words! Words! Words!

I'm so sick of words!

I get words all day through;

First from him, now from you!

Is that all you blighters can do?

Don't talk of stars Burning above;

If you're in love, Show me!

We have a president, who has gotten where he is by talking a big game. He is a splendid orator, and that is a wonderful and lucrative skill to possess. And it is quite possible that he will shut his mouth one day and do something. I hope he does.

But until that day, my mantra will be, "Do something." And I mean it. Shut you mouth and do something.

Practically Perfect in Every Way

2009-02-21T22:49:00.000-08:00

I have had a less than satisfactory couple of days. Thursday was wretched. It could be due to the fact that Wednesday night put me in an irrevocable bad mood or just because 17 year olds are perpetual whiny bitches, and nearly everyone around me refuses to accept any authority I may have (or be feigning). Friday was better because I got to spend time with my fellow student teachers in class and over lunch. It's nice to relax with them and talk about frustrations, struggles and the occasional joy because they know what I'm going through; my other friends really don't. Friday night was good because I got to see Kelly and Bobby (2 of my very favorite people), and we went to Barnes and Noble and watched High School Musical 3. Tonight I watched movies and tomorrow I'll probably watch a movie.....

YAWN.................................................

Yes, it drones on and on: dinner and a movie--dinner and a movie. I wonder, will my life always be so embarrassingly redundant? Hopefully no.

There are moments of fun and friends that break the routine of waking up, going to school, going to work, going to bed that goes on and on, day after day, and I am thankful for those times, but the ONE THING that keeps me going through these days is my upcoming trip to England! Soon I will be back in my favorite place once again.

Just looking at this picture lift my heart. All I have to do is live through student teaching, graduate, and then I'll be on my way. Excitement prevails! I have something to dream of, to look forward to. In London, it isn't dinner and a movie. It is dinner and a play, tea and shopping, breakfast and a roadtrip to a literary landmark. So until July 10th, the day I depart for the mother land, I will dream of buying fancy desserts at Harrods and taking them to Westminster Abbey to hear the bells. Daydreams, don't fail me now.

Is this a dagger which I see before me?

2009-02-19T16:10:00.000-08:00

In "Daffodils" Wordsworth said that when he's having a bad day, he closes his eyes and daydreams of the flowers he saw when he was visiting the Lake District. There are many things about which I daydream when I'm feeling, as Wordsworth said, "pensive:" walking through the Dickinsion streets of London, pretending I was a princess at Hampton Court Palace, spending long days under a quilt, book in hand, by a fireplace with my feet up, laughing until I think I might die with my best friends; the list could go on, but the thing I found myself daydreaming of today, which was one of the more wretched days of my life, Monday. This Monday, I had probably one of the best hair days of my life. Not like fixed for a special occasion/going out hair, it was just really nice, normal, everyday hair. It pleased me beyond belief. In the Cherry Hall faculty bathroom, where I am legally permitted to go, I looked to Whitney and said, "Wow, my hair looks awesome."

Today I closed my eyes and daydreamed that I could relive that day. Not only because my hair was awesome, but because that was a really good day. You have these good days in which something really amazing, life changing, happens. This wasn't one of those days. This was one of those days where you feel carefree. Nothing particularly great or out of the ordinary happens; it's just a truly happy day: nice weather, nice outfit (new scarf and gloves) and nice hair, spending somewhat leisurly time with friends. I think we sometimes take these days for granted. I didn't win the lottery, I didn't get proposed to or married or swept off my feet. But I had a wonderful day.

Perchance to Dream

2009-02-16T12:31:00.000-08:00

Okay, so my first post. Wow, how monumental.

This weekend was really great. I've been lucky to be blessed with exceptionally amazing weekends to balance out the mundane routines of the weeks. I am grateful for my student teaching placement; I know it could have been a lot worse, and God has gifted me with peace. I literally feel as though he's flooding me with peace, so I won't freak out. Because everyone knows I'm a freaker outer, and I haven't once freaked out this semester. For those of you who don't believe in miracles.....

Still, I can't wait for student teaching to be over. I do NOT want to be a teacher, and it is really disheartening when the obsession with clothes overshadows the need for intellectual challenge. I have yet to be challenged intellectually at FSHS, and I doubt I will be. But my clothes have been criticized by both teachers and students. Go figure....I probably read more fashion magazines in a couple of months than they ever will. The fact that I refuse to dress androgynously or like a 45 year old, or that I hate wannabe designer labels like American Eagle, Abercrombie, and Hollister. Oh well. At least I'm smart and capable of using my brain, an activity most of the teachers I've encountered have fallen out of touch with.

SO back to this weekend. I satisfied the capitalist within when I received Valentines Day money from my mom AND grandma, and I babysat all day Saturday, earning a solid 50$. I did a lot of shopping this weekend to satisfy the "I have no Valentine and no prospect of matrimonial partner" blues. Bobby and I saw Shopaholic, which gave me a new style to imitate. But the highlight of the week was watching Oliver Twist on Masterpiece with Brittany. I brewed up some Earl Grey (in my new, wonderful teapot), donned my black lace gloves and enjoyed the classic Dickens story I've always loved. I was also introduced to a new book: The Spoon River Anthology. I love it, and I'm going to buy a copy ASAP.

Praise God for weekends: one of His many gifts.
Also praise God for friends, who make me feel good about myself when I'm feeling lousy.

Today is President's Day, which I don't really care about except for the fact that I didn't have school, so I got to spend the day in Cherry Hall from who's computer lab I am typing this. That is always refreshing to me: seeing random long-lost classmates and catching up with friends I rarely see these days.

Oh, Cherry Hall: my home.